Shortly before starting my current job, I was invited to attend a pre-employment drug screening. Well it’s always nice to be invited to things, isn’t it?

Taking a wee into a little pot does have an associated awkwardness but it’s not really that difficult. That is, if you actually need to go. More often than not, I find myself in the situation of not needing to go, right at that critical moment. There have even been frustrating scenarios where I’ve been sitting in the doctor’s waiting room and without thinking, stepped out to use the toilet, only to asked five minutes later to provide a sample. But on this occasion, I’m happy to report, everything went smoothly.

As I walked towards the door to go home, the girl on reception caught my attention and told me I could not leave yet because I had to sit an exam. “Are you taking the piss?” I exclaimed. The girl looked at me and muttered, “Yes sir, we are. Kindly place your sample in the tray”.

99%

I love exams, I always have. (I wish that last paragraph was true, BTW). During school, college and university I was constantly aiming for perfection. I came very close on two occasions. First, when I was nine, the class was tested on our multiplication tables up to 12 times 12. There were 100 questions and I scored 99. I was foiled by 4 times 6 as I wrote down 26. (I now know the answer is 24). I still vividly remember that moment, sitting there deciding between 24 or 26.

On the second occasion I was 17, at college and studying engineering. One of my required modules was engineering maths. A slightly more difficult exam, but again, I scored 99 out of 100. (I have no recollection of the question I answered incorrectly). You might think that any disappointment on these two occasions would be covered by coming top of the class, but sadly no. In fact, despite being well ahead of anyone behind me, there was annoyingly one person ahead of me. Both times scoring a perfect 100.

It was only recently, when recalling these harrowing events; I realized that I was beaten by the same person both times, eight years apart. My mathematical nemesis, if you will.

Planning my Attack

I sat down at the computer to take my unexpected exam. The girl told me that it was a very basic exam and that all the instructions would all be on the screen. It would be a timed affair but before the clock started, I was told the total number of questions and that each question would be harder than the last. Importantly, questions could be skipped to return to later.

I’ve taken computer administered exams before where you can’t go back to revise your answers. A format that forces you to make some very difficult decisions on the fly. You have to be constantly aware of how much time you’re taking on each question, gauging a rough estimate of weather you think you’re still on schedule. Questions that take longer than average force you to decide if it's worth spending the time to complete it or bailing out, never to go back. You must try not to get caught in the trap of thinking you’ve already invested a lot of time in the question, so skipping isn't an option.

Happily for me in this exam, the gift of being able to go back eliminates all of that. With 12 minutes to answer 52 questions, I used the provided scrap paper to calculate that I had just under 14 seconds per question. For an additional aid, I wrote down what question number I should aim to be on at each of the 12 minutes, as a way of pacing myself evenly.

Clicking Start

Before clicking start, I opted to look at the sample questions. Was this a joke? I was presented with four spelling variations of the word "Wednesday" and asked to pick the correct one. “I am going to blitz this test and get 100%”, I laughed, quietly to myself. I clicked start…

Question 1: Joshua went to the bakery. He bought a cookie for 26 cents, a cake pop for 3 dimes and a cupcake for 30 cents. How much did he spend at the store?

The smile disappeared. I stared blankly at the monitor using almost all of my 13.8 seconds to contemplate what was happening. This is questions one. The easiest question in the test. Each question will get harder from here. And I don’t know what a bloody dime is!

Let’s take a step back and analyse this. I’ve lived in America for 8 years. In that time, I haven’t been taught, picked up on or learnt what a dime is. How could that be? Well cash, especially loose change is not used as much in America as it is back home in England. I would always walk around London with a pocket full of coins. In America, people will use a credit card to buy something as small as a pack of gum. OK, but I must have picked up a dime at some point, held one, looked at it. How did I miss the value? Well, having since inspected a dime, I can report that it does not say “ten” or “10” anywhere on it. This is outrageous!

I’m staring at the screen. All I know for sure is that a dime is either 5 cents or 10 cents but I have no idea which. Even though it’s multiple choice there’s an answer that fits a dime being 5 as well as a dime being 10. I’m screwed. I take a guess and move on.

OK, deep breath...

Question 2: What is the correct spelling for the second month of the year?

Bingo! We’re back in the game.

Question 3, Question 4, Question 5. Straightforward; ridiculously easy; piece of cake, respectively. Perhaps this will just be another one of those tests where I score 99%.

Question 6: Brooklyn has 5 nickels…

There it is again, that feeling. Despair. Why is this happening to me?

Let’s try some lateral thinking. Isn’t there an expression that mentions dimes and nickels? Yes, that sounds familiar. Something like “they’ll nickel-and-dime you”, meaning to haggle right down to the last penny. This is great. So what does that mean? How much is a dime? Wait, this doesn’t help at all!

Incidentally, I looked up the official definition.

To treat (a person or situation) by paying excessive attention to small amounts of money often with a detrimental effect. - Merriam-Webster

Oh, the irony! If only I had paid excessive attention to small amounts of money, it would be with incremental effect right now.

Question 7: If you have to be somewhere at 7 pm, do you go after breakfast or go after dinner?

Excuse me? Are you seriously asking me if I know the difference between ante meridiem and post meridiem? Do you think I’m some kind of a Dilbert!? I choose the correct answer and wonder if I would get extra points for saying both?

Questions 8 – 13: An annoying blend of the ridiculously easy, fused with questions about nickels

Question 14: Jenny wants to buy a chocolate bar. The chocolate bar costs 68 ct. Jenny has 5 nickels 2 dimes and 10 pennies. Does she have enough?

I’m usually such a calm person, but I’m getting increasingly wound up by what I can tell are very easy questions. It’s just that without knowing the arbitrary secret code words for these small monetary denominations, that only people who grew up in American would know, I don’t stand a chance with these types of questions.

Take this one for example. I can only calculate that Jenny has either 55 or 70 cents. Although, from my experience of going into a store in America, with 70 cents in your pocket and try to buy something that is 68 cents, you almost certainly don’t have enough. It’s maddening. I thought I was getting short changed at first, or that the store owner was just making up prices as they felt fit. After some months, I realized that the price printed on the shelf or stuck to the item is not how much you pay. There is an unspecified tax amount added onto that price. So you can’t give what you think is the exact change to the cashier. Nor can you count your change and understand if it is correct.

I seriously don’t know what to do about these questions. I’m wasting too much time on them. I check what question I should be on by now using my handy chart. It’s at this point I notice that the timer is counting down and not up as I had assumed it would be. All my pre-calculations are useless. All I can do is subtract the time remaining from 12 to figure out what question I should be on. This is just a nightmare.

I don’t want to see another question about small coins!

Question 15: Niya bought 9 quarts of carrot juice. How many pints is this?

It just doesn’t stop. A quart! What is a quart? I think I can safely assume it stands for quarter. But a quarter of what? What a useless name. With millilitre, we know it’s a thousandth of a litre and with centimetre, a hundredth of a meter. It’s self-explanatory. Imagine someone asking you how long it takes you to read a book and you giving them the answer "a quarter". They’re not going to know if you mean quarter of a week, a quarter of a year or a quarter of an hour.

I had to skip it and move on.

Questions 16 – 22: A selection of deliciously easy questions spiked with some bitter tasting questions about imperial measurements. Like a fine Cabernet with bits of cork floating in it

Question 23: You have 2 quarts of milk…

Wait… Wouldn’t you call that half a milk? What about 4 quarts of full fat milk from your favourite health store? A Whole Wholefoods Whole Milk?

Questions 24 – 31: Yet more effortless questions laced with questions on U.S. customary units. Like cheap cocaine cut with brick dust

Question 32: Which is larger 10 feet or 3 yards?

Wait. How many feet are in a yard? I don’t know. The UK went metric in 1965.

I remember my granddad still worked in feet and inches. He refused to go metric. When I was young, we'd often argue over measurements while building things in his workshop. I remember once, he showed me how to measure a yard of string. He put one end up to his nose and with his other arm outstretched, he'd hold the other end of the string. That’s a yard he said.

So there I am. In the drugs screening room, holding one finger on my nose with the other arm stretched out fully. Pretending not to be on drugs and trying to decide how many feet were in between my two index fingers. I figured it must be an even number so maybe two or four looked right. I held my finger out again... Can’t imagine two, those would be a large feet. It must be four.

(I’m sure you all know, reading this, that there a three feet in a yard). I looked it up as soon as I got home. I couldn’t believe it. Three feet to a yard! Why the odd number? Who comes up with this stuff? …The British. I know.

Questions 33 – 41: Another batch of no-brainers interwoven with a horrible selection of despair inducing questions. Like listening to an Indie playlist when Nickelback crops up

Question 42: Steven hands you a nickel…

Oh fuck off Steven! You can have your nickel back.

Actually, question 42 was something of a breakthrough for me. The wording of the question and the four possible answers leaked enough information that I was able to reverse engineer the number of cents in a nickel and therefor a dime. I wrote these down on the scrap paper and started going back through, answering Questions 1, 6, 14, etc… that I had skipped. But by the time I had revisited Question 6 it was all over. I couldn’t believe it. I had run out of time.

Lessons Learned

Not only had I not managed to go back and complete all the nickel and dime questions, I had not made it to question 58, only getting as far as question 42. This was unprecedented. How had this happened to me? Life has no meaning.

When I got home I told my wife the story. She said “have you not heard of that expression? To nickel-and-dime someone.”

I’m not really sure what the morel of this story is. I still think it’s a little unfair to ask someone questions about coins that do not have values marked on them, measuring systems that died 55 years ago or that don’t even bother to specify the bloody unit. I suppose I should have learnt them when I moved to America. I did learn all 50 states and their capitals but sadly there were no questions in that area.

Of course, this exam had no bearing on the job, it was just a formality, but it massively annoyed me all the same. Mostly because I’ll always aim for perfection even if there's nothing riding on it.

After I left the drugs screening facility I had to ask myself some pretty serious questions...

Like, who buys 9 quarts of carrot juice?